Although losing him is hard for me, it is not even comparable with what my Grandmother is feeling. This is not the natural order of things. Parents are supposed to go first. No mother should have to bury her child. Ever. It happens all the time, and you know it is possible. But having to witness it first hand is something I can't really even put into words. That is why it has been heartbreaking to watch my Grandmother suffer. The sound that escaped her when we told her he was gone is something I will never forget. It was sheer pain, torment, devastation and noise. If you could hear a soul being torn in two, I am certain that is what it would sound like. One of her babies is gone, and she will never get to see him again. Unimaginable to me.
I know that children love their parents...I know fathers love their children...but it seems to me that the bond between a mother and her children is completely unique. I have seen a few quotes recently that describe it.
These are both pretty accurate. The bond between a mother and her child is spectacularly unique. Knowing that this little person is a part of you. That from your body, a whole new life was created- is amazing. No one else will ever have that connection with your child.
I love both of my children equally. They are as different as fireworks and rain, and I love that about them. They each brought different dynamics into my life. Sometimes to test me, and other times to heal my soul. In light of what has happened, I thought it an appropriate time to reflect on what my son means to me.
Let me first say, that I understand that children should not be born in hopes of "fixing" any situation. Typically, having a child only exacerbates whatever issues you already have. In my case, that theory was proven untrue. Having Dane saved me. Saved me from feeling lonely. Saved me from feeling unwanted and unloved. Saved me from feeling lost. The moment I found out I was having him, life started to make sense for me. I found direction and motivation. I found myself starting to feel complete in a way that I never had before. There are two segments to my life-before him, and after him. He is my angel. A gift directly from God. Given to me to allow me the chance to live the life I deserve. From that first tiny heartbeat, to the first kick to the first cry.....he has completely changed my life in ways I never knew was possible.
He is an amazing child. He never cried as a baby. I would say he is an "old soul". Came into the world as 10 lb 2 oz ball of love and calm. He smiled, ate, slept and stared. That is honestly his whole first year...lol. Amazing. At that point in my life, I know that I was given this particular child for a reason. The moment I looked at his chubby little face, it was obvious that THIS was what had been missing for so long. This baby. My son.... my Dane.
We are still thick as thieves. He is still that little old soul that he started out as. He is quiet. Intelligent. Articulate. Kind. Considerate. Loving. Loyal. Sensitive. Witty. Perceptive. Empathetic. And for as much as I love him, he is just as fiercely in love with me. But life has it's way of moving along. Things are always moving, evolving, growing, changing. I know that inevitably he will grow up, find a wife, have a family of his own. I welcome that- I can't wait to see what kind of man he will become.
I just wanted to take a minute to talk about my baby. Yes, my baby. He is 4ft 4in tall, 110 lbs and he is 6 years old. I am sure we are looking at a 6 ft 5 250 lb baby before this kid is done. But he will always be my baby. ALWAYS. No matter what happens, no matter where the roads may take us- part of my heart belongs to that little boy. I hope I live to see him grow up and have children and grandchildren. I hope that someday he has to say goodbye to me and not the other way around. Just like I needed him to come into my life, I know I will need him for the remainder of it as well.
Grayson Dane Harper- Never underestimate the power of this Mother's love for you. You were born of my body and soul. You have been forged from the dreams and hopes of a heart that is now so filled by you it might burst. You are part of a divine plan. You were placed here- in this time at this place. You are my son, and I love you. You are the blue skies to my gray, the stars in my midnight sky.You are the wind, the tide and the moon. You are the song in my heart, and the air in my lungs. You are the reason I am who I am. You are my son, and I love you.